Batman is Swimming

Saturday, February 28, 2009

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What did Batman wear when he went swimming?

A bathing suit.

The Man and The River

Friday, February 27, 2009

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The man lived on one side of the river and the general store was on the other. The bridge across the river could only hold 200 pounds. However, the man weighed 198 pounds and bought three coconuts that weiged 1 pound each.

How did he get across?

The man juggled the coconuts. One coconut was always in the air!

Foreign Languages for Mice

Thursday, February 26, 2009

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

The Blonde and Her Farm

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

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A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette finds the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word."

The brunette thinks about this and says, "Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow. Com-for-ta-ble"

Two Black Eyes

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

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A regular at John's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Billy!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Billy. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Flying without a Parachute

Monday, February 23, 2009

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A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down.

The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.

In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

The Rinse Cycle

Sunday, February 22, 2009

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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hada lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

The Perspective Men and Women

Sunday, February 22, 2009

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An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

The Lonely Kid

Saturday, February 21, 2009

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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

On God's Right Hand

Friday, February 20, 2009

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Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.

It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Mary Jane and the Shark

Thursday, February 19, 2009

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Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.

The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"

Mary Jane laughed and laughed!

She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

Notice to All Employees

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

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Notice to All Employees:

We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

Leave of Absence for Surgery:We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

Pregnancy:In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

The Management

Notice to all Employees

We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.


The Hamster and the Frog

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you'll ever see, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll See," says the bartender.

So, the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano from his pocket and puts them on the bar. The hamster begins to play "Fur Elise."

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I've seen more amazing."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

Another patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron laughing at his good fortune, takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Two Squirrels and a Lawyer

Monday, February 16, 2009

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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Stopped for Speeding

Sunday, February 15, 2009

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did ‘I’ get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah...” the man replied.

“You mean you still go fishing, even though you can’t possibly catch ALL the fish?”

In the News

Saturday, February 14, 2009

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6:00pm news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Sure enough, the man jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.

The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5:00pm news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he would jump twice!”

A Woman's Wish

Friday, February 13, 2009

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, “Nope. due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed.. “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in the bedroom and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for, a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that darn map!”

The Cause of Death

Thursday, February 12, 2009

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Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

“How did you die?” the first woman asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That is awful,” says the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes, but eventually, it is a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kinda drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you,how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second woman shakes her head. “That’s so ironic,” she says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first woman.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Microsoft and the Janitor

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

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An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $7.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3. Seeing that you got this story via Internet, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

An Accident and an Engineer, Manager, and Programmer

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Slow Down or Stop?

Monday, February 09, 2009

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A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection.

The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto Went Camping

Sunday, February 08, 2009

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Someone stole tent."

How You Get To Heaven

Saturday, February 07, 2009

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The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

She's Backing Up!

Friday, February 06, 2009

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Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."

The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

The Pope and Golf

Thursday, February 05, 2009

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The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.

"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope.

"You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "Second to Rabbi Woods."

One Dollar

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

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TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

JOHNNY: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

JOHNNY(sadly): You don’t know my father.

Knock-Knock Noah

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Noah who?
Noah counting for taste.

Wrong Number

Monday, February 02, 2009

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Man calls home.

The maid answers phone.

He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"

She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."

He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."

Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."

5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"

He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."

She says, "We don't have a pool."

He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Under the Stars

Sunday, February 01, 2009

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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."