Gifts For A Teacher #joke #humor

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

The Hot Shot #joke #humor

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""

The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

The Stanford Study #joke #humor

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Knock-Knock Amos #joke #humor

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

A mosquito bit me.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Andy,

Andy Who?

And he bit me again!

Where's Miss Jones? #joke #humor

Two moving van men were taking things into a house.

One said, "Joe, help me move this chest."

Joe asked, "Why? Did miss Jones tell you to?"

"No.", replied Tom.

"Then how do you know she wants it moved?" asked Joe.

"Because she's under it."

Why isn't your nose... #joke #humor

Why isn't your nose 12-inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Look at that bunch of cows! #joke #humor

City Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.

Cowboy: No, herd.

City Lady: Heard of what?

Cowboy: Herd of cows.

City Lady: Sure, I've heard of cows!

Cowboy: No, a cow herd.

City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow!

Bill, Wash Your Face! #joke #humor

Dad: Bill, wash your face! I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.

Bill: What did I have?

Dad: Eggs.

Bill: Wrong. That was yesterday!

A Lawyer's Billing #joke #humor

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Believing in Life After Death? #joke #humor

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Timmy, Where's Your Homework? #joke #humor

"Timmy, where's your homework?" Miss Smith said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was Timmy's solemn response.

"Timmy, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Smith I swear," insisted Timmy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

The Politician and the Woman #joke #humor

The politician said to a woman, "You sure do look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same to you."

"Sure you could!!" said the politician, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

Playing Country Music Backwards #joke #humor

What happens when you sing country / western music backwards?

You get your wife, your car, your dog, and your job back.

Math Class for Jimmy #joke #humor

The math teacher saw that little Jimmy wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Jimmy! what are 24, 11, 4 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "ESPN, FOX, NBC and the Nickelodeon!"

The Rich Man and His Rolex Watch #joke #humor

A rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

Four Engineers were traveling in a car...

There are four engineers traveling in a car;:

A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”