LAWYERS VS. BUFFALO #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?  

A: The lawyer charges more.

Kids at the Wedding #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

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At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained,

"I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

I am going to shop #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 21, 2014

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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

The pre-birth class #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 20, 2014

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said,

"tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

LITTLE JOHNNY... NICKELS AND DIMES #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 19, 2014

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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says,

"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Everybody, somebody, anybody, and nobody #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 18, 2014

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This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

A blind man in a store #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 17, 2014

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."

Catching many fish #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

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A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said,

"Only caught one, eh?"

2 Doors #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

$8 BILL #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 14, 2014

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A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway. He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

We could have been here sooner #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 13, 2014

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An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria,"

the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,

"we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

What should they say? #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 12, 2014

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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Why did he fire you? #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 11, 2014

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Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked,

"Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second,

"Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Wealthy investors #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 10, 2014

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A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,

"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said,

"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Texan with a new car #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first.

"He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good cool boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third.

"He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,

"Audi, partners!"