Monday, August 31, 2009

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Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?

To avoid traffic.

Why did...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

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Why did the Jelly Roll?

Because it saw an Apple Turnover!

What has...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

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What has two ears, four feet, and tells time?

A watch dog!

The Hen and Kids

Friday, August 14, 2009

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What did the hen say when she saw a plate of scrambled eggs?

What a bunch of mixed up kids!

That Lettuce is Clean!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

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Husband: Honey, this lettuce sure tastes funny.

Wife: It shouldn't. It's clean, I even washed it with soap!

The Law of Gravity

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

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Timmy: Dad, is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on our planet?

Dad: Yes, son it is.

Timmy: What did we do before the law was passed?

Just Cleaning It!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

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Teacher: How did this window get broken?

Little Jimmy: I was cleaning my slingshot and it went off.

Search & Rescue

Monday, August 10, 2009

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A search and rescue team was assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank God,” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his companions.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

Calling In Sick

Sunday, August 09, 2009

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When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up.

There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived. The boss didn't look very happy when Jim reported to his office. The older man didn't say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.

"I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!" the boss said. "What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?"

There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, "I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn't been sick!"

Be Careful What You wish For

Saturday, August 08, 2009

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A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and instantly ... The wife had the tickets and reservations in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 35 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and instantly ... The husband turned 95!

How do you spell Godzilla?

Friday, August 07, 2009

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His son, Jimmy, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.

"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

It's the nuts - they're complimentary

Thursday, August 06, 2009

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A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

I Thought I Wasted It!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

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A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'

'You certainly were,' replies the barman.

'And did I spend a lot of money?'

'You spent over $100', replies the barman.

'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'

I just like to hear you say it.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

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The crusty old managing partner of a famous law firm finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

Make it a scotch

Monday, August 03, 2009

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.

Okay, Disney World.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

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My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

“Listen to me!” his mother said sharply, “From now on when you want to
go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?”

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: “Okay, Disney World.”

Grandma's Bible

Saturday, August 01, 2009

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A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"