What kind of music does a printer make? #joke #humor

Sunday, December 08, 2013

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What kind of music does a printer make?

A paper jam.

My Father #joke #humor

Saturday, December 07, 2013

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A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

World Peace #joke #humor

Friday, December 06, 2013

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map lady!"

Uncle Ned #joke #humor

Thursday, December 05, 2013

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My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses. One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelry store under construction.

Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said,"You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace. As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop.

Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy. Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, ""You promised me beautiful clothes.""

Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"

Dressing #joke #humor

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

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What did the salad say to the fridge?

Shut the door, Im dressing!

The CEO Cycle #joke #humor

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

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Mr. Shonu had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.'

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'

The Consultant #joke #humor

Monday, December 02, 2013

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, ""Sure.""

The driver parked his car, plugged his microscopic cell phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area. While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses. Finally, he printed a 150 page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced You have exactly 1,586 sheep.""

"Impressive. One of my sheep is yours." said the shepherd.

He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied You're on.

"You are a consultant." said the shepherd without hesitation.

""That's correct,"" said the young man, impressed. ""How ever did you guess?""

"It was not a guess," replied the shepherd. "You drive into my field uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I have not asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me my back my dog."

Get Things Done #joke #humor

Sunday, December 01, 2013

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

 "I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding drugs inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no drugs. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Farm Music #joke #humor

Saturday, November 30, 2013

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A farmer goes to the flea market and buys a brown chicken and a brown cow.

The guy behind the desk hand him his change and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the farmer.


The Beep #joke #humor

Friday, November 29, 2013

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Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."

She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own phone number and listened to her message.

Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

Turkey Football #joke #humor

Thursday, November 28, 2013

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The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the Jason Garret and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass from Tony Romo and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Table Manners #joke #humor

Thursday, November 28, 2013

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Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?

Because they never learned good table manners! 

Turkey Fight #joke #humor

Thursday, November 28, 2013

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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Plymouth Rock #joke #humor

Thursday, November 28, 2013

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What's a Pilgrim's favorite kind of music?

Plymouth Rock!

Turkey crossed the road #joke #humor

Thursday, November 28, 2013

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got Thanksgiving off!

Two Atoms #joke #humor

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

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Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.

One said: "Why do you look so sad?"

The other responded: "I lost an electron."

Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"

The other replied "I'm positive."

Deserted Island #joke #humor

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

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For years, three men were stranded on a desert island.

One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.

"I wish I was off this island and back with my family," said the first man, and he disappeared.

"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He too disappeared.

The third man, looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, "I really kind of like this island. I have everything I want, but it is getting a little lonely, so I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."

Don't Be Late #joke #humor

Monday, November 25, 2013

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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me late..." .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "DearLord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

The Hot Shot #joke #humor

Sunday, November 24, 2013

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

The Stanford Study #joke #humor

Saturday, November 23, 2013

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A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.

Sushi #joke #humor

Friday, November 22, 2013

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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches, the guy asks for "a table for two". As they are waiting for a table to be prepared, his wife cant help to notice a fish tank full of beautiful tropical fish. The wife turns to her husband and demands that she wants the same fish brought for her at home. The husband agrees and asks the waiter what the fish are called. The waiter replies ""sushi"".

Gravity #joke #humor

Thursday, November 21, 2013

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Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?" Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

Dynamite Fishing #joke #humor

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

A frog calling the Psychic Hotline #joke #humor

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

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Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

Horse Race #joke #humor

Monday, November 18, 2013

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Funny Flight Announcements #joke #humor

Sunday, November 17, 2013

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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the ""in-flight safety lecture"" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your boyfriend, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, with certainty, everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Danger! Beware of dog. #joke #humor

Saturday, November 16, 2013

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Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Jobs for Writers #joke #humor

Friday, November 15, 2013

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.

When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages."

New Taxi Driver #joke #humor

Thursday, November 14, 2013

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A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

Elephants and sunglasses #joke #humor

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

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Why do elephants wear sunglasses?

If all of those jokes were being told about you, you would not want to be recognized either!

Batman brushing his teeth. #joke #humor

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

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Why did batman brush his teeth with Crest toothpaste?

To prevent bat breath!

The Big Bluff #joke #humor

Monday, November 11, 2013

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Sal: Have you heard the one about the mountain?

Jen:  Yes, it is just a big bluff.

Alaska? #joke #humor

Sunday, November 10, 2013

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Dan:  If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

Jan:  I don't know, but Alaska!

Successful parachute jumps? #joke #humor

Saturday, November 09, 2013

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Quiz show host:  How many successful parachute jumps must a paratrooper make before he graduates?

Contestant:  All of them.

Playing the piano #joke #humor

Friday, November 08, 2013

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Boy:  When I sat down to play the piano, everyone laughed at me.

Mother:  For goodness sakes!  Why?

Boy:  No piano bench!

Rabbit with fleas? #joke #humor

Thursday, November 07, 2013

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What do you call a rabbit with a lot of fleas?

Bugs Bunny.


Thursday, November 07, 2013

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Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

 Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

 Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Best time to take a bath #joke #humor

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

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Mother:  The best time to take a bath is just before retiring.

Sammy:  No wonder Grandpa didn't retire until he was sixty-five!

Adam's Apples #joke #humor

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

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Jim:  My father has Washington's shoe.

Jeff:  That's nothing.  My father has Adam's apple.

Human beings #joke #humor

Monday, November 04, 2013

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A teacher called for sentences using the word "beans."

"My father grows green beans," said the star student.

"My mother cooks lima beans," said another pupil.

Then a third student added:  "We are all human beans."

Crossing the ocean #joke #humor

Sunday, November 03, 2013

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If a man crosses the ocean twice without taking a bath, what is he called?

A dirty double-crosser!

Got any grapes? #joke #humor

Saturday, November 02, 2013

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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!”

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”

What I learned in school today #joke #humor

Saturday, November 02, 2013

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Dad:  Billy, what did you learn in school today?

Billy:  I learned to say, "Yes, sir," "No, sir," "Yes, Ma'am," and "No, ma'am."

Dad:  You did?

Billy:  Yep!

Sleeping for Days #joke #humor

Friday, November 01, 2013

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Tim:  "I haven't slept for days."

Jim:  "Wow, you must be tired."

Tim:  "Not really.  I sleep nights."

A witches favorite subject #joke #humor

Thursday, October 31, 2013

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What was the witch's favorite subject in school?


Ghost Birthday Party #joke #humor

Thursday, October 31, 2013

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What was the favorite game at the ghosts' birthday party?

Hide and shriek!

Ghost Shoes #joke #humor

Thursday, October 31, 2013

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What kind of shoes to do ghosts wear?


Cost of the bills going up! #joke #humor

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

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Father:  "Look at all these bill!  Rent, heat, water, food, clothes, gas -- the cost of living is going up on all of them.  I'd be happy if just one think went."

Son:  "Here's my report card, Dad!"

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

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Two Hollywood goats found some old film and began to eat it.

"Is it good?" asked one.

"Yes, but I liked the book better," was the reply.

Dogwood Tree #joke #humor

Monday, October 28, 2013

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Frank:  "How can you tell a dogwood tree?"

Mary Lou:  "By its bark!"

Knock-Knock Catsup #joke #humor

Sunday, October 27, 2013

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Knock, knock.

Who's there?


Catsup who?

Catsup a tree!

Longest Word in English Language #joke #humor

Saturday, October 26, 2013

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Question:  What's the longest word in the English language?

Answer:  SMILES -- there is a mile between each "S"!

Running All Day. #joke #humor

Friday, October 25, 2013

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Father:  I wonder why that clock is so slow.

Know-It-All-Son:  You would be slow, too, if you were running all day!

What's in a T? #joke #humor

Thursday, October 24, 2013

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Question:  What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?

Answer:  A teapot.

What time is it? #joke #humor

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

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Question:  What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

Answer:  Time to get a new fence.

How's business? #joke #humor

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

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Through the eyes of a...

Tailor:  "Just sew-sew."

Farmer:  "Mine is growing."

Author:  "All write."

Astronomer: "It's looking up."

Trash Collector: "It's picking up."

Electrician:  "It's pretty light."

Elevator Operator:  "Mine has its ups and downs."

Bull is charging. #joke #humor

Monday, October 21, 2013

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Question:  How do you stop a bull from charging?

Answer:  Take away his credit card.

Waking up a bear? #joke #humor

Sunday, October 20, 2013

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Question: Why does a bear sleep through the winter?

Answer:  Who's going to wake up a bear?

Eclipse of the Moon #joke #humor

Saturday, October 19, 2013

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Teacher:  There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight.  Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil:  What channel is it on?