What you can't eat for breakfast

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

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Tell me two things you can never eat for breakfast.

Lunch and dinner.

The Cross-eyed Teacher

Monday, March 30, 2009

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teach?

Yes, I heard she had trouble with her pupils!

Largest City in the World?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

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What will soon be the largest city in the world?

Dublin, Ireland. Because it is always Doublin in size!

The Porcupine and the Cactus

Saturday, March 28, 2009

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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you, Mom?

10 Hours on Math

Friday, March 27, 2009

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Jim: I spent 10 hours over my math book last night.

Ally: You did? You must be ready for the our test!

Jim: Not really, it fell under my bed!

The Spotted Leopard

Thursday, March 26, 2009

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The hunter said to his wife, "I spotted a Leopard!"

The wife replied, "Don't be silly, honey. They grow that way."

Billy and the Pond

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

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Farmer to the boy: How did you come to fall in the pond?

Billy to the Farmer: I didn't come to fall in, I came to fish!

The Boy and the Barber

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

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Boy (with long hair): Are you the stylist who cut my hair the last time?

Hair Stylist: Couldn't be. I have only been here for three months.

The Cop, a Juggler, and a Drunk

Monday, March 23, 2009

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A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."

An Honest Lawyer

Sunday, March 22, 2009

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Divorce Barbie

Saturday, March 21, 2009

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A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...

Friday, March 20, 2009

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You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

When someone asks you, ”How are you?” you answer, ”Good to the last drop.”

Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Help Wanted

Thursday, March 19, 2009

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED: Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

$500 for Half An Hour's Work

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

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An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will.

“Your estate is very complex,” said the lawyer, “but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.”

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.Thinking the lawyer had said “$500” the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away.

Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad.”

A Birthday Surprise

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise for your wife, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a 14-day cruise!"

You Know Your Are From The Country When...

Monday, March 16, 2009

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The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

The definition of “rich” is to own a double-wide.

All the festivals you’ve been too are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car and use them often.

You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.

You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

How Old Are You?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

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The census taker knocked on Donna’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.

“Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.

“Certainly,” he replied “Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.

“As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.

What Day Is It Today?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

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"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I ever forget!?"

With that,he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, a two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Legal Consultation

Friday, March 13, 2009

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

Jonah and The Whale

Thursday, March 12, 2009

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

In the Family

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

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The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.

"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.

"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"

Starting A Small Business

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

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A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"

The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one, sit there and wait..."

Pick Them Up!

Monday, March 09, 2009

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John's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

John says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2009. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well Doc -- I couldn't pick 'em up."

Sweep the Floor

Sunday, March 08, 2009

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Your first job will be to sweep the floor.

But I'm a college student the young man replied.

In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.

A Nice Way to Say You're Fired

Sunday, March 08, 2009

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Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.

One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with:

"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.

Dumb Drummer

Saturday, March 07, 2009

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A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

A Good Hiding Spot

Friday, March 06, 2009

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A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."

Lawyer and the Car

Thursday, March 05, 2009

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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Six Ton Truck

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

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A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

A Lawyer's Clothing

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

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What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

Smith and Jones at the Diner

Monday, March 02, 2009

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Smith and Jones had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Smith and Jones blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Jones looked up and gasped.

"Smith!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," Smith said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

It Hurts to Smile

Sunday, March 01, 2009

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A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."