Daily Jokes - Everyday!

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?" Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

The math teacher saw that little Jimmy wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Jimmy! what are 24, 11, 4 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "ESPN, FOX, NBC and the Nickelodeon!"

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

During a freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment.

"I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said.

The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Teacher: How did this window get broken?

Little Jimmy: I was cleaning my slingshot and it went off.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

The teacher asked, "What happened in 1809?"

Josh replied, "President Lincoln was born."

The teacher then asked, "What happened in 1812?"

Josh replied, "President Lincoln had his third birthday!"

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teach?

Yes, I heard she had trouble with her pupils!

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

JOHNNY: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

JOHNNY(sadly): You don’t know my father.

A young man died and went to Heaven, where he was the third person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the admission policies, the angel said they each had to state their former occupations and yearly salaries.

The first man in line said, "I was an actor and I earned $1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.

The woman behind him said, "I earned $150,000 last year as an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then ushered her in as well.

The young man moved up to the gates. "I only earned $8,000 last year..." he began.

"Oh," the angel interrupted, "and what subject did you teach?"

Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Timmy: You can’t fool me, Teacher...snakes don’t have feet.

In Heaven, the order for an affirmative action program was handed down. From on high it was decreed that everyone would have an equal opportunity to enter Heaven.

Saint Peter, being a traditionalist, did not approve. But he was also the ultimate company man, so he decided he would do his best to comply. His first challenge to use the new policy came the next day when a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer all arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter announces they will have to pass a test to get in, and that each will have to answer one question.

To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into in an iceberg and sank on its maiden voyage?

The teacher quickly replies, “That would have been the Titanic, right?”

Saint Peter lets him through the gate.

Saint Peter turns to the Garbage man, and despite the new policy, finds himself asking a harder question. “How many people died on the ship?”

The garbage man guesses,”1,228″

“That happens to be correct; go ahead.”

Saint Peter then turns to the lawyer, the new policy now completely forgotten. “Okay, name them.”