Daily Jokes - Everyday!

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Father: Well son, how are your exam results?

Son: They're all under water.

Father: What do you mean?

Son: They're all under C level.

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company.

A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow.

The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.

After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young fella, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that darned cow came home this morning!"

What is the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull terrier?

A pit bull terrier knows when to stop chasing an ambulance.

What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

Why did the crow sit on the telephone line?

Because he was making a long distance caw.

This guy said to my brother, "I think I'm a clock you know."

My brother said, "Well don't get too wound up about it."

What did one lightbulb say to the other?

I'm going out tonight.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree into the farmer's field.

The farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

Two old men were arguing the credentials of their doctors.

The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Johnson for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.

"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

Jill in the pet shop asked, "How much is that canary?"

The helper replied, "Five dollars."

Jill said, "Great, send me the bill."

The helped said, "Cannot do that lady, you have to take the whole bird!"

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Ice cream!

Ice cream who?

Ice cream if you throw me in the cold water!

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

To keep his wigwam.

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.

“If I ask you something that you don’t know, you owe me $5. The same goes if you ask me something I don’t know.”

The blonde refused.

“Okay. If you don’t know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an answer, I pay you $50.”

The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.

“What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde didn’t say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.

“What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?”

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.

“So, what is it?”

The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill to the lawyer.

The teacher asked, "What happened in 1809?"

Josh replied, "President Lincoln was born."

The teacher then asked, "What happened in 1812?"

Josh replied, "President Lincoln had his third birthday!"

When is a clock at the top of the stairs dangerous?

When it is about to run down and hit one!