Daily Jokes - Everyday!

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist,

"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked,

 "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage. The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said,

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration,

"Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says,

 "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.  

Yours always and truly, John..    

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says,

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says,

"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?  

A: The lawyer charges more.

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained,

"I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said,

"tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says,

"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said,

"Only caught one, eh?"

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway. He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria,"

the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,

"we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked,

"Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second,

"Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,

"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said,

"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first.

"He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good cool boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third.

"He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,

"Audi, partners!"

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.  The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,

"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said,

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,

"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said,

"All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

A little boy and his grandfather rake leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a jar of chocolate ice cream topping. He coats the earthworm in the sauce until it is straight and stiff in a hard chocolate shell. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the chocolate sauce and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]  "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]  "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman,

"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,

"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said,

"Lady, I'm Albert."