Daily Jokes - Everyday!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.

The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

A young man died and went to Heaven, where he was the third person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the admission policies, the angel said they each had to state their former occupations and yearly salaries.

The first man in line said, "I was an actor and I earned $1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.

The woman behind him said, "I earned $150,000 last year as an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then ushered her in as well.

The young man moved up to the gates. "I only earned $8,000 last year..." he began.

"Oh," the angel interrupted, "and what subject did you teach?"

A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, "Mommy? Do they ever bury in the same grave?"

"Oh no, of course not, dear!" the mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"

"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the guy select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Cowboy Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

"I beg your pardon," the man said to the Indian, "what's your name?"

"Running Deer," said the Indian.

"Is that your son?"

"Yes."

"What's his name?"

"Ninety-eight cents."

"Ninety-eight cents?"

"Yes, he's not a buck yet."

Where did Batman plant his flowers?

In a batanical garden.

A cowboy riding his horse saw a little dog running down the road.

"Hi," said the dog.

"Hi," said the cowboy.

A few moments later the cowboy said out loud, "That's funny. I didn't know dogs could talk!"

The horse turned his head, looked at the cowboy, and said, "You learn something new every day."

Two blondes entered a bar and sat down. They both ordered a beer.

Every few minutes they started cheering, "Yay! Yay!" as the bar patrons looked over at them.

After a few cheers, the bartender asked them, "What are you celebrating?"

They replied, "We finished a puzzle in only 20 days. On the side of the box it said 2-4 years!"

What's the difference between a hill and a pill?

One's hard to get up, the other's hard to get down!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.

The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies “Four.”

The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says “On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

The Marketer's Dictionary and Lingo

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Company Owned Trucks

The following are ways to determine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.
   
   
2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.
   
   
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.
   
   
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.
   
   
5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.
   
   
6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.
   
   
7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.
   
   
8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.
   
   
9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
   
   
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.
    
    
11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.
    
    
12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called “not me”.

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?

Nacho Cheese.

"I know what the Bible means!"

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

Top ten reasons to tell if you were caught sleeping...

10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in
time.
7. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress.
Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem!
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.
1. Amen.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where is the boat?"

What did the cowboy say when his dog fell over the cliff?

Dog-gone!

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 MPH and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, we haven't caught one yet!!!"

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

City Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.

Cowboy: No, herd.

City Lady: Heard of what?

Cowboy: Herd of Cows.

City Lady: Sure, I have heard of cows!

Cowboy: No, a cow herd.

City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow!

Simple Translations:

Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties - We are working on something else.

The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.

Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Little Girl: Mommy, what is that you are putting on your face?

Mommy: It's cold cream to make me beautiful.

Little Girl: It doesn't work, does it?

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.

It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed:

"Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Gladys.

Gladys who?

Gladys Friday, how about you?

Why did the crow sit on the telephone line?

Because he was making a long distance caw.