Pass out in shock #Joke #Humor

Friday, May 30, 2014

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The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.  Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE #Joke #Humor

Thursday, May 29, 2014

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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Hunting with a wife #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."

Discussing the tax rates #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said.

"We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Fight competition #Joke #Humor

Monday, May 26, 2014

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The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

Fish cost a fortune #Joke #Humor

Sunday, May 25, 2014

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Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!  The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says,

"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Don't take any chances #Joke #Humor

Saturday, May 24, 2014

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A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies,

"Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

Constantly complaining about the temperature #Joke #Humor

Friday, May 23, 2014

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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.

"We don't even have an air conditioner."

Mad Cow Disease #Joke #Humor

Thursday, May 22, 2014

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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Placing your order #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted.

"No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,

"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

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Stagecoach surprise #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

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I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?" He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Solving a problem #Joke #Humor

Monday, May 19, 2014

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Shopping for goods #Joke #Humor

Sunday, May 18, 2014

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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner.

"But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man,

"but it's as close as I want to get."

The boss tells some jokes #Joke #Humor

Saturday, May 17, 2014

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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss.

"Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied.

"I'm leaving Friday."

Safe to swim here? #Joke #Humor

Saturday, May 17, 2014

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,

"Are there any gators around here?!"

"No," the man hollered back,

"they ain't been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,

"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

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Sorry for eating the peanuts #Joke #Humor

Friday, May 16, 2014

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dear," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend #Joke #Humor

Thursday, May 15, 2014

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The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,

"I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

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I marked the spot #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

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Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.

One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend,

"Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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Give chocolate pudding #Joke #Humor

Monday, May 12, 2014

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First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Why-ever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

Dropped your wallet #Joke #Humor

Sunday, May 11, 2014

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Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman,

"That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

BLONDE'S STARTING SALARY #Joke #Humor

Saturday, May 10, 2014

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A boss tells a blonde applicant,

"I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

"after three months sir."

Bad relationships #Joke #Humor

Friday, May 09, 2014

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Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Bank customer service #Joke #Humor

Thursday, May 08, 2014

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"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

A walking economy #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

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This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist.

He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Those who don't know #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

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The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

The crowded store #Joke #Humor

Monday, May 05, 2014

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Sue over the property #Joke #Humor

Sunday, May 04, 2014

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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said

"Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed.

The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

The requirements of this job #Joke #Humor

Saturday, May 03, 2014

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Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

WALKS INTO A BAR... QUICK SHOTS #Joke #Humor

Friday, May 02, 2014

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A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Too much analysis #Joke #Humor

Thursday, May 01, 2014

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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said,

"Hello"

The other one thought,

"I wonder what he meant by that."

Upset is unhealthy #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist,

"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked,

 "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

An organization that makes men fear marriage #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

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The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage. The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

BLONDE'S ALLIGATOR SHOES #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 28, 2014

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A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said,

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration,

"Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

AIR FORCE ONE CHARITY #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 27, 2014

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Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says,

 "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

CARROTS #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 26, 2014

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How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

A sudden change of mind #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 25, 2014

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My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.  

Yours always and truly, John..    

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

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Looking into their eyes #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 24, 2014

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says,

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says,

"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

LAWYERS VS. BUFFALO #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?  

A: The lawyer charges more.

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Kids at the Wedding #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

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At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained,

"I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

I am going to shop #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 21, 2014

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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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The pre-birth class #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 20, 2014

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said,

"tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

LITTLE JOHNNY... NICKELS AND DIMES #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 19, 2014

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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says,

"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

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Everybody, somebody, anybody, and nobody #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 18, 2014

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This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

A blind man in a store #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 17, 2014

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."

Catching many fish #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

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A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said,

"Only caught one, eh?"

2 Doors #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

$8 BILL #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 14, 2014

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A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway. He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

We could have been here sooner #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 13, 2014

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An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria,"

the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,

"we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

What should they say? #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 12, 2014

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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Why did he fire you? #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 11, 2014

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Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked,

"Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second,

"Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Wealthy investors #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 10, 2014

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A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,

"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said,

"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Texan with a new car #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first.

"He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good cool boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third.

"He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,

"Audi, partners!"

New submarine Ensign #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.  The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,

"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Eating the piece of fruit #Joke #Humor

Monday, April 07, 2014

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Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said,

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Expert on parenting #Joke #Humor

Sunday, April 06, 2014

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On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,

"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Commanding the dumb #Joke #Humor

Saturday, April 05, 2014

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said,

"All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

CHOCOLATE SHELL TRICK #Joke #Humor

Friday, April 04, 2014

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A little boy and his grandfather rake leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a jar of chocolate ice cream topping. He coats the earthworm in the sauce until it is straight and stiff in a hard chocolate shell. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the chocolate sauce and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Child sent to bed #Joke #Humor

Thursday, April 03, 2014

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]  "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]  "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Catching the fish #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman,

"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Calming your son #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,

"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said,

"Lady, I'm Albert."

BLIND, BLONDE, & BRAVE #Joke #Humor

Monday, March 31, 2014

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A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says,

"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says,

"Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."


ACCIDENTAL BONDING #Joke #Humor

Sunday, March 30, 2014

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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,

"Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,

"Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

A very desperate marriage #Joke #Humor

Saturday, March 29, 2014

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A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, 

"June." 

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?" 

"Of course I will! Who's this?"


A forester and lawyer #Joke #Humor

Friday, March 28, 2014

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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says,

"here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know."

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.

St Peter says "Here you go,"

and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

 St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

He's drunk at the bar #Joke #Humor

Thursday, March 27, 2014

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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.  The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Had any accidents? #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

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The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

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Guests for dinner #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

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 There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says,

"Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

I often feel guilty #Joke #Humor

Monday, March 24, 2014

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Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

“NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

May I borrow your dog for a few days? #Joke #Humor

Sunday, March 23, 2014

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"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession.

Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator.

"But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered,

"Get in line."

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Purchasing mailing lists #Joke #Humor

Saturday, March 22, 2014

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With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names .

Where is my goat? #Joke #Humor

Friday, March 21, 2014

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leaps into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied,

"Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Write for mail order #Joke #Humor

Thursday, March 20, 2014

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An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply:

"Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

What's WRONG with me #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

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A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off:

"Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:

"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

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A gorilla walks into a bar and says,

"A scotch on the rocks, please."

The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself,

"This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

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Texas builds it larger #Joke #Humor

Monday, March 17, 2014

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A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver,

"What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.

"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About three years" replied the cabbie.

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.

"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

"Danged if I know" replied the cabbie,

"It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

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Represent Christmas #Joke #Humor

Sunday, March 16, 2014

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.  Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,

"How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Purchasing a turkey #Joke #Humor

Saturday, March 15, 2014

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Out of food supplies #Joke #Humor

Friday, March 14, 2014

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With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top:

"IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'

New family driver #Joke #Humor

Thursday, March 13, 2014

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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

 "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Requesting a three day pass #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked

"How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier,

"Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

What is the most damaging food? #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said,

"Wedding cake."

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Unfamiliar with a term #Joke #Humor

Monday, March 10, 2014

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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says,

"Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

Travel on the plane #Joke #Humor

Sunday, March 09, 2014

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For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Too much speeding #Joke #Humor

Saturday, March 08, 2014

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.

"I'm the groom."

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Travel in a sailboat #Joke #Humor

Friday, March 07, 2014

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The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.  The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted,

"Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied,

"but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

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The tradition at weddings #Joke #Humor

Thursday, March 06, 2014

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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says,

"Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says,

"Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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Stop being late to work #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss,

"But where were you yesterday?"

Qualifying for Heaven #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,

"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

"How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

"1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

"Name them."

Measuring on the job #Joke #Humor

Monday, March 03, 2014

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There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and re-positioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied,

"we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

Low self-esteem #Joke #Humor

Sunday, March 02, 2014

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,

"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Paying in advance #Joke #Humor

Saturday, March 01, 2014

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A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

New person in prison #Joke #Humor

Friday, February 28, 2014

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.  The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.  You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

MCCAIN GOES TO THE MOVIES #Joke #Humor

Thursday, February 27, 2014

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Taking a break from the campaign trail, John McCain decides to take in a movie. After buying his ticket, he stops at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $5, he says,

"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn didn't cost anywhere near this much money."

"Well, sir," the attendant replies with a grin, "you're in for an even bigger surprise -- the movies have sound now."

Jump out of the plane #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

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An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says

"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Improving fry cooking time #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

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In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

His military etiquette #Joke #Humor

Monday, February 24, 2014

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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

GOD'S DEAD DOG #Joke #Humor

Sunday, February 23, 2014

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked,

"What would God want with a dead dog?"

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Did you see that? #Joke #Humor

Saturday, February 22, 2014

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Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says,

"Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

A blind man vists the state of Texas #Joke #Humor

Friday, February 21, 2014

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,

"Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,

"Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,

"Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

Are caterpillars good to eat? #Joke #Humor

Thursday, February 20, 2014

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Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

BLONDE’S APPENDICITIS #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

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A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says,

"You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. 

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. 

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 


A young naval student #Joke #Humor

Monday, February 17, 2014

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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

A mental hospital #Joke #Humor

Sunday, February 16, 2014

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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied.

"I hung him up to dry."

Bosses versus workers #Joke #Humor

Saturday, February 15, 2014

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When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Woman is on a bus #Joke #Humor

Friday, February 14, 2014

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said.

"Here, let me hold your monkey."

Welcoming to America #Joke #Humor

Thursday, February 13, 2014

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When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.

"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

Dealing with a lawyer #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.  Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,

"Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go visit the devil"

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Give me free meat #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,

"I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,

"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Careful when you wish #Joke #Humor

Monday, February 10, 2014

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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

"And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

"You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

DEAD AGAIN #Joke #Humor

Sunday, February 09, 2014

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A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch out for the wall!"

GOOD PLACE TO EAT #Joke #Humor

Saturday, February 08, 2014

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You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.

Catching the shoplifter #Joke #Humor

Friday, February 07, 2014

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A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said,

"This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Finish the start #Joke #Humor

Thursday, February 06, 2014

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

I have a question #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Loud, mad, or sad #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,

"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

WAR BOARDER #Joke #Humor

Monday, February 03, 2014

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A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

What is this? #Joke #Humor

Sunday, February 02, 2014

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said,

"what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered.

"What is it now?"

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Thoughtful and touching thing #Joke #Humor

Saturday, February 01, 2014

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One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."

The name of your wife #Joke #Humor

Friday, January 31, 2014

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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,

"Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

Skydiving blind #Joke #Humor

Thursday, January 30, 2014

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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Dealing with criminals #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

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A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

COLLEGE DORM RULES #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Psychotherapist #Joke #Humor

Monday, January 27, 2014

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.

Flying in the plane #Joke #Humor

Sunday, January 26, 2014

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Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,

"The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,

"Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Evaluating this painting #Joke #Humor

Saturday, January 25, 2014

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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.

"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.

"They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

No Dogs Allowed #Joke #Humor

Friday, January 24, 2014

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A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

Learn it by listening #Joke #Humor

Thursday, January 23, 2014

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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other,

"You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Is the wife in control? #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says,

"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said.

"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!"

Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."


Ugly person illness #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

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A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said,

"Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

SPECIAL LAWYER TREATMENT #Joke #Humor

Monday, January 20, 2014

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A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.

The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

 St. Peter replies, "Well, we've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"


Swerve to avoid a box #Joke #Humor

Sunday, January 19, 2014

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Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,

"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."  Amazed, the driver asked for what.  

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Repairing the phone #Joke #Humor

Saturday, January 18, 2014

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A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

My wife is missing #Joke #Humor

Friday, January 17, 2014

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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Main Vice President #Joke #Humor

Thursday, January 16, 2014

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Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Have a first child #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,

"When you can read this, come back and see me."

Go on a hiking trip #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Dog Fight Joke #Joke #Humor

Monday, January 13, 2014

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A man walks into a bar one day and asks,

"Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up.

"What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.

"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

I have "great" news for you #Joke #Humor

Sunday, January 12, 2014

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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,

"I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,

"I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

Bragging about old times #Joke #Humor

Saturday, January 11, 2014

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Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one,

"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

Catching the bear #Joke #Humor

Friday, January 10, 2014

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 Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,

"You skin this one while I go and get another!"

$1 MILLION IN HEAVEN #Joke #Humor

Thursday, January 09, 2014

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Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"

God said, "1 million years."

Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute."

Feel better now #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother,

"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

 Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

"That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Feel better now #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother,

"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

 Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

"That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Feel better now #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother,

"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

 Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

"That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE #Joke #Humor

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

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I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

Newest son-in-law #Joke #Humor

Monday, January 06, 2014

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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. 

"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

 "I see," replied the father-in-law. 

"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." 

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. 

"I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" 

"Easy," said the young man. 

"Buy me out."


Visit the barber #Joke #Humor

Sunday, January 05, 2014

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.

"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"


We have new babies #Joke #Humor

Saturday, January 04, 2014

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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.  Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,

"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


Where are you from? #Joke #Humor

Friday, January 03, 2014

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy,

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".

The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."


Wise cooking advice #Joke #Humor

Thursday, January 02, 2014

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This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department. Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows)and serve the food. By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!


You're Beautiful #Joke #Humor

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,    

“You're beautiful!”    

and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,

“You're cute!”      

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful”    it was “cute.”

She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?

His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”